M:
I'm finally back, a year since I last updated, three months since my third personality shift (moved on from neo-confucian philosophy and way of life). M, the reason I'm writing this to you is that you're probably the only person that would read this. I simply no longer share this blog to anyone I know after 2017, who makes my current social circle.
There are a few draft posts that I didn't finish on this blog. It happened to be so because I always had something I wanted to share, which I wanted to bring those things across clearly and sophisticatedly. Then I fell asleep before finishing it (I always write on this blog with my Macbook on bed, lights off). This time is different. I have nothing special to say. I can stop at any point and post, even I haven't started sharing on 'that vacation'.
Many things happened. I don't know where to start. I decided not to talk about them explicitly.
What I wanted to say now is that vacation. I've been thinking about having a vacation for a long time. The idea is to rent a hotel and become an urban-hermit for like 5-7 days, without my phone and all. The first time I had this on mind was I guess in April 2022, before my final semester as a student was about to end. I said I'm gonna go for a vacation after finishing my term papers. I didn't go for it. I was late for weeks on submitting those papers. When I finally had time, I began working for a restaurant, a 5-day-per-week underpaid job. When I quitted in late August, I said I will do it after Issue 3 is published, which I finally published it in early October (it was horrible). Then, I was a) working for a bookstore, that is having a job and couldn't get a vacation anytime I want b) we already can travel aboard and I've booked a flight to Japan in Jan 2023 c) I was broke af. So I didn't go.
I think I'll really do it some time in April.
What made me really want to update this blog is this Sunday evening. I left bookstore at 8pm, the 4th last day I work here since they're closing next month. I returned home and had soup for dinner. I sit in front of my computer at home at 10 pm. This has not happened in years. It was as if I've returned to the days I always feel nostalgic for - the Saturday nights in my P.5-P.6 days when my father goes out for mahjong with my grandfather and I could use the computer and play online games and Yahoo blog. Grandfather passed away 1-2 years after those days and dad no longer lives with me now. Anyway, tonight I just felt lousy. Didn't feel like enjoying the freedom of having my own room and computer. Just felt bad for procrastinating my work. Magazine works out of schedule; no motivation to work despite my ambitions. Don't know why. Felt bad. Came up with the idea to get the lights off and start blogging till sleepy so I can wake up and work tomorrow.
I'm still awake. Fuck. Also, I lost the motivation to share my emotions and thoughts here too. I don't see it as a bad thing tho. I still treasure this place and would come back from time to time. I just blog in a perhaps more mature way. In the past, I was always wanting a person to hear those thoughts (that's why this tradition of writing to Alphabets began) and instead of talking to them in person I wrote them down here. Now, I'm just blogging like writing on a notebook. I like the way I blog now. Feeling absolutely lost than ever, I feel like I'm becoming a better person.
Still not sleepy.
Best,
Ching
P.S. The three personality shifts:
I'm like a historian of myself and like to set periods in my life. I always to that on plane, especially the on flight returning HK. So, here's my version right now (it changes all the time, but I'm confident that this time it will work).
I regard myself as self-conscious when I'm in P.3, when one day I be-friended with two classmates and called ourselves 三兄弟. It was trivial but I was very happy that day. And that was my first memory of pursuing what I was pursuing the next few years - a 'classically memorable' adolescence. This was just all I want from P.3 to F.4/5.
That kind of emotion peaked when I was in F.4. I kept saying words like 青春and熱血. But I also began losing the enthusiasm that year, when I felt so down for romantic issues. And my first personality shift happened when September 2013 when I lost the student union election. I was reading the Catcher of the Rye that time. And from that time I began reading literature, and eventually philosophy. I became cynical and began to pursue a self with good taste. I was also a die hard fan of 伍公子that time.
I went through 3 life stages but now I knew I was on the same stage mentally from F.5 to year 2 in uni. I was just a lost reader looking for things to read. Not particularly interested in anything. The second change was when met Confucianism in CUHK. I started to pursue a moral self. Wanted to be a moral intellectual which I only find it didn't work a few months ago.
I don't fee like explaining what happened a few months ago in detail. Also, I'm finally feeling like sleeping. Night :)
0205
