The vacation that never existed

 M:

I'm finally back, a year since I last updated, three months since my third personality shift (moved on from neo-confucian philosophy and way of life). M, the reason I'm writing this to you is that you're probably the only person that would read this. I simply no longer share this blog to anyone I know after 2017, who makes my current social circle.

There are a few draft posts that I didn't finish on this blog. It happened to be so because I always had something I wanted to share, which I wanted to bring those things across clearly and sophisticatedly. Then I fell asleep before finishing it (I always write on this blog with my Macbook on bed, lights off). This time is different. I have nothing special to say. I can stop at any point and post, even I haven't started sharing on 'that vacation'.

Many things happened. I don't know where to start. I decided not to talk about them explicitly.

What I wanted to say now is that vacation. I've been thinking about having a vacation for a long time. The idea is to rent a hotel and become an urban-hermit for like 5-7 days, without my phone and all. The first time I had this on mind was I guess in April 2022, before my final semester as a student was about to end. I said I'm gonna go for a vacation after finishing my term papers. I didn't go for it. I was late for weeks on submitting those papers. When I finally had time, I began working for a restaurant, a 5-day-per-week underpaid job. When I quitted in late August, I said I will do it after Issue 3 is published, which I finally published it in early October (it was horrible). Then, I was a) working for a bookstore, that is having a job and couldn't get a vacation anytime I want b) we already can travel aboard and I've booked a flight to Japan in Jan 2023 c) I was broke af. So I didn't go.

I think I'll really do it some time in April.

What made me really want to update this blog is this Sunday evening. I left bookstore at 8pm, the 4th last day I work here since they're closing next month. I returned home and had soup for dinner. I sit in front of my computer at home at 10 pm. This has not happened in years. It was as if I've returned to the days I always feel nostalgic for - the Saturday nights in my P.5-P.6 days when my father goes out for mahjong with my grandfather and I could use the computer and play online games and Yahoo blog. Grandfather passed away 1-2 years after those days and dad no longer lives with me now. Anyway, tonight I just felt lousy. Didn't feel like enjoying the freedom of having my own room and computer. Just felt bad for procrastinating my work. Magazine works out of schedule; no motivation to work despite my ambitions. Don't know why. Felt bad. Came up with the idea to get the lights off and start blogging till sleepy so I can wake up and work tomorrow.

I'm still awake. Fuck. Also, I lost the motivation to share my emotions and thoughts here too. I don't see it as a bad thing tho. I still treasure this place and would come back from time to time. I just blog in a perhaps more mature way. In the past, I was always wanting a person to hear those thoughts (that's why this tradition of writing to Alphabets began) and instead of talking to them in person I wrote them down here. Now, I'm just blogging like writing on a notebook. I like the way I blog now. Feeling absolutely lost than ever, I feel like I'm becoming a better person.

Still not sleepy.

Best,
Ching

P.S. The three personality shifts:

I'm like a historian of myself and like to set periods in my life. I always to that on plane, especially the on flight returning HK. So, here's my version right now (it changes all the time, but I'm confident that this time it will work).

I regard myself as self-conscious when I'm in P.3, when one day I be-friended with two classmates and called ourselves 三兄弟. It was trivial but I was very happy that day. And that was my first memory of pursuing what I was pursuing the next few years - a 'classically memorable' adolescence. This was just all I want from P.3 to F.4/5.

That kind of emotion peaked when I was in F.4. I kept saying words like 青春and熱血. But I also began losing the enthusiasm that year, when I felt so down for romantic issues. And my first personality shift happened when September 2013 when I lost the student union election. I was reading the Catcher of the Rye that time. And from that time I began reading literature, and eventually philosophy. I became cynical and began to pursue a self with good taste. I was also a die hard fan of 伍公子that time.

I went through 3 life stages but now I knew I was on the same stage mentally from F.5 to year 2 in uni. I was just a lost reader looking for things to read. Not particularly interested in anything. The second change was when met Confucianism in CUHK. I started to pursue a moral self. Wanted to be a moral intellectual which I only find it didn't work a few months ago.

I don't fee like explaining what happened a few months ago in detail. Also, I'm finally feeling like sleeping. Night :)

0205

Week 367

(2025年2月更正：用AI計算過，應該是Week 366）

痛

（今天工作進度不多，但夜了，甚麼都不想做，整理一下回憶。在床上打的，寫得很散漫，去年夏天讀了高行健的《一個人的聖經》，一直想試用第二人稱打blog。坦白說我不太喜歡哈哈）

你想不到更好的方法：上一次以「week xxx」來命名網誌已是2018年的事。你看着電話月歷，逐星期數到今天。距離上次剛好200星期。

這網站在你中五時註冊，那時是你第一次的人生低潮。堅持了一個多月每星期日更新，之後就沒了。後來中學dse考試前一星期，突然又開始每星期更新，當時你根本無心向學。

往後的日子都不好過，考完公開試的日子雖然過了寫意的生活，但心裡總是一陣納悶。放榜後知道考不上大學，很不高興。讀高級文憑的兩年，很孤獨，這網誌曾是你的最大寄託，這兩年你成功堅持每週更新。

等待升大學的暑假，是你人生最辛苦的日子。跟考完公開試一樣，理應是最快樂的日子，偏偏卻是最痛苦。這次不是納悶，是具體的傷痛。那時是真正意義的放假，既沒有書讀，又沒有工作。期待已久的閱讀日子，你竟沒法集中精神做任何事。每早天一亮就心痛着醒來，睡不回。下樓吃早餐，回家再睡。中午再醒，無事可做，想讀的書和做的創作，沒法子能集中精神做，只能下樓戴着耳機走，走到晚上，到午夜，買爭鮮和車仔麵回家，常常吃到很飽。那陣子胖了許多。

其實你是可以說發生甚麼事的，不過是失戀。但那時真的覺得很痛。現在覺得很傻，根本不用這麼傷心。那陣時有復合的機會，但你整天在擔心他是否認識新歡了， 不再喜歡你了，真的很傻。現在回想，他根本還喜歡你，是你的躊躇斷送了復合的機會。

會很奇怪嗎？你因為他失落了整整一年多，這絕對不是短時間。因為他，過了多少頹廢的晚上，錯過了多少啊。但是，這段時間現在也變得很遙遠。你知道嗎，2017-2018年的毛巾，你們後來和好了。現在還成為了很好的朋友。你當年被他踼走了private ig的follow，哭了一整晚，現在已再follow了。2018年的你，很想再看一次她2017年那時期的post，現在你重新follow那帳戶兩年多了，你也沒有拉下去看過一眼。

許多事情都像夢一樣。實在發生過的，佔了你人生頗些時間的，竟然如夢一般只剩下依稀的印象。

你小學畢業時第一次經歷「痛」。中一時你暗地享受對小學的懷念，聽着虐心的歌，你偷偷期待高潮時帶給你的「痛」。或許當時你只是太無聊，中一開學幾個月後，這份「痛」漸漸就消失了。

現在呢？你還在懷念這份「痛」。 現在，你首次真正地遇上人生的困難。實實在在的經濟壓力，事業壓力，對前途茫茫的壓力。你不再是無痛呻吟的學生了。現在，大學生活好像都變得遙遠，再一次一切都變得像一場夢。

你害怕，你打開了最讓你「痛」的那本書。你揭了幾頁，真的很「痛」，這本書仍能給你那份隱若讓你暢快的「痛」。

這本書到你手上兩年多了，你的夢想實現四年多了，還結束快兩年了。你在最頻繁更新這網誌時，一直夢想能過那本書的情節。你過到了，還結束快兩年了。你敢想信嗎？這一切都發生了。

而你現在想着的是：「連夢裡也會覺得快樂難求。」

只有你

久違的初秋

找回了一些好久好久沒有的感覺

以為已經消失了

昨夜約了朋友打邊爐

到了樓下時已經遲到

但我還是在街道上繞了幾圈才上去

眼睛裡都一切忽然變得詩意

那些窗簾半掩的酒店房間

殘破的廣告燈箱

都在散發某種讓我依戀的殘缺美

當一切都變得詩意

我總在這些時候變得像啞巴

你真的在看嗎？

好多事情還沒跟你說

例如看見你讓我很快樂

還有我真的知道你是有多好

還有很感謝你化了這妝容

還有很多很多⋯⋯

0258

心結

 0317

L：

在寫一個關於循環和生活儀式的故事

對我來說

間中回來一下應該就是我的生活儀式吧。

（也是我的循環）

但我今晚不想寫

不是因為懶，而是因為恐懼

彷彿那時的事情快要重演

心結

這是近來的關鍵詞

有些事不懂得說出口

快樂時可以暫時放下

但稍有不如意

就會因為這心結無比痛苦

但說出口的最好時機是永遠不會有的

是的，這個懷習慣又嚴重了

連在這裡提一提也不想。

0322

生活的解咒

0315

 

 L：

天上的星星對你來說像甚麼？

 

L，這是你給我的問題。許多年前，你說，「xxx就如天上的繁星」，這原本是很美麗的比喻，只是後來被用濫了。於是我開始想，天上的星對我來說是甚麼？我沒有太過費力去想，因為答案要來得自然，才不像把喻體用濫的那些人。

 

後來我真的是得到答案了。對我來說，天上的星星是：不常聯絡，但每天都會想起的人。細心一想，這樣的人至少有四、五位。有不熟但好像挺投契的朋友、已退休的教授、一位曾偷偷暗戀但現在已沒感覺的朋友⋯⋯他們的確像星星，恆常地活在我的思緒內，照亮了我的內心世界。

 

我曾經對這個答案是自滿的，但最近發現自己簡直是井底之蛙。機緣巧合下，早陣子看了屈原的〈天問〉和奧古斯汀的《懺悔錄》，兩位哲人都在看星星的時候，都得到形而上的感悟。自問沒有他們的慧根，更沒他們的境界，從看星就能思考世間存在和時間哲學，但至少天上的星星對我也有獨特的意義。

 

最近幾個月的生活變卦，卻讓這星星的魔力消散了。十二月，毅然辭去了工作，還未有機會面對面告訴女朋友，她竟然無聲無息地忽然消失了。突然展開了新生活，這陣子有埋頭讀書，又在努力辦雜誌的事，得到許多想法上的衝擊。生活是向前望的，那些曾經每天想起的人，最近不單少了想起，他們在我心中的神聖感都減退了。

 

我想我的狀態是「生活的解咒」。我捨棄了許多以前的生活儀式（像定期到奧海城遊蕩），又開始覺得大學在宿舍的日子是一場夢。想起曾經重要的人和往事，都不再有那揪心的感覺。我好像比身邊的人醒覺得慢，其實一切說來就來，說去就去。

 

過年前，我還進行了一場斷捨離運動。曾經我被父親稱為「垃圾佬」，因為我總是捨不得丟棄有紀錄價值的東西，那天我將過去塞滿床下底的雜物，從童年玩具到大學回憶，壓縮到一個抽屜的大小。這個抽屜還跟日用品共用，像文具、藥物、現金⋯⋯

 

但L，當你看見我回到這個老地方，就知道有些事情發生了。

 

農歷新年後，我把利是錢放在那個抽屜，懶得到櫃員機時直接拿來用。我竟然把那些現金，跟很重要的回憶混在一起了（其中一樣我在斷捨離運動中沒捨離的東西）。

 

那是兩張紙幣，一張二十元，一張十元。它們的由來是，在好幾年前，和第一位女朋友第一次約會，我們到又一城一家名牌雪糕店（現在已經結業，不是haagen dazs）吃抺茶雪糕。我付款後說請她吃，她不肯，就給了這兩張紙幣我。

 

我不小心把二十元那張，連同其它利是錢一起花了，現在只剩下一張。

 

不知為何，這兩天都有種若有所失的感覺。這是久違了的多愁善感，我又開始想起以前的人，那些星星好像再次明亮起來，雖然還是遠比舊時黯淡。

 

L，起初我只是為了記載這件小事回來。但現在我又想重拾更新這個網誌的習慣。這裡標誌著我最多愁善感的歲月，我需承認過去一、兩年我很想擺脫自己的這一面，但經歷了這次的失而復得，我又想在它完全失去前努力保留。至少在未來兩個月，我會戒掉使用Instagram的story，轉在這裡寫點更經過反省的內容。這段期間，我應該能維持每星期更新最少一次吧。

 

0422

sweet trip – Chocolate Matter

 

 

 

 

P.S. 「生活的解咒」是借用「世界的解咒」（Disenchantment of the world)的概念。哲學家韋伯認為這是人類在啟蒙運動後走向現代化的現象，科學的掘起讓文明失去了原本的神秘一面，人們不再相信宗教或其它神秘的力量，一切都轉向「理性化」。

 

科技和科學是明顯的成果，但這是以精神生活為代價的。經過「解咒」之後，生存的動力似乎變得很合理，同樣也顯得很虛無，因為對於人生終極關懷的探究，以往的線索都被一掃而空。而啟蒙運動以來的思想還未能為生命賦予超越（transcendental）的答案。

quit宿前夕

今天只做一件事。

Safe?

M：

好久沒聯絡了，最近還好嗎？

上星期發生了些事情，沒有實質的後果，但對我的心理造成了永久的傷害，我發現世上的每一位個體也很脆弱，只有身邊的同伴是無價的。生命中沒太多重要得不能失去的事情，唯獨疏遠了的人最讓人感到可惜。

好久沒更新，我想你也不會定期回來，但我心裡是如此希望的：總有一個週日醒來的早上，你會偶然想起這裡，然後回來看看吧⋯⋯

怎也好，不管你看不看到這網誌，也想向你報個平安。