Starting from a goldfish

Dear Sinaida,

I know I’ve said it, but I want to say it again, I was too happy to know that you had at least flipped the book I gave you few months ago, I guess you know what the names are about, hopefully. I don’t really like the letter ‘z’, AS WELL AS the letter ‘v’, so I changed the ‘z’ to ‘s’, and ‘v’ to ‘w’ because in French ‘w’ is pronounced as ‘double v’ instead of  ‘double u’.

S, I never mention you to anyone. Last year I gave you a Catcher in the Rye as Christmas present, did you read it? You, to me, somehow was like the D.B.’s novel ‘The Secret Goldfish’. That was really interesting, I think Salinger could have started another profound novel with this tittle. The boy had a bowl of goldfish that he loved so much, so what he did was, he hidden it under his blanket that nobody except himself could look at his goldfish. S, you are much more than a goldfish, but sometimes I really feel like I fell in love with a goldfish.

Once I went to my friend’s place. Overnight. He had a tank of goldfish in his living room. At midnight, when we were about to get to bed, we turned off the lights in the living room. The gentle purple light in the tank was like a glowing coral deep under the ocean, loneliness surrounded by solitude. I inevitably walked towards the tank and stuck of face onto the glass.

I started to wonder, whether goldfishes sleep or not. I think so because they weren't like swimming, they didn’t close their eyes but they weren’t swimming, they were sort of hovering in the water. Then, what made this become a memory is, a goldfish was staring at me! I mean, I wasn’t sure if the goldfish was staring at me, because what he did was same with his friends, frozen, floating. I put my hands on the tank like that Red Usavich putting his on a glass cabinet with a pair of canvas shoes inside.

He was right in front of me, I struck up a ‘conversation’ with him. I added quotation marks because I was the only one saying human language. I didn’t say much, not even a complete sentence, and also softly, or else my friends in room might thought that I was talking to him. The truth is, even if a goldfish has ears, he wouldn’t listen; even if he heard it, he doesn’t understand. At the same time, still I wasn’t sure whether he was awake or not, I guess not, maybe he was. If he was, the whole thing would be romantic. Anyhow, he wasn’t.

I said a few words, then I left. S, I tell you a secret, I whispered your name, I said ‘Hi, (S)’ to the fish. I left.

Things wasn’t really that dramatic in fact. Two years later today, time filled the monochrome picture with mysterious colour. As time goes by, I convinced myself from heart that the fish was slept; as time goes by, I become audacious to imagine the fish was awake and he was saying something too.

S, that distance is perfect. The fish has his own living, I have my busy life. We keep in touch, but we never communicate directly. I bet the fish can’t tolerate to see me when he was awake. And for me, If I see him again, that probably will be at midnight, when lights are off. In other words, when other fishes, maybe including him, are asleep.

I’ll find you few months later, I like this, update your Instagram, Snapchat and all more often. Let me know more.

Love,
Wladimir