Missing the Saturday nights in 2008 Again

p:

Finding the right words is so important. Finding the right words is so fun. Finding the right words is so difficult. I am losing track of time. I am not sure of what that means. Many things feel timeless because it is in the distant past. No one misses the 2000s. At least no one misses it like I do. I am living in the past. What does the present continuous tense mean in this sentence supposed to mean?

Finding the right things to talk about is important. Finding the right things to talk about feels satisfying. Finding the right things to talk about is so difficult. I can't find the right words, not even the right the topic. I find my feelings so unintelligible. They don't make any sense once I tried to covey them. At least they no longer feel special, even to myself. Sometimes I just want to become a hermit.

Had a dream of you last morning. That was the most 'realistic dream' I had ever had. It was also the least fragmented one. And it completely reflected all my (wants? desire? Wish? I can't find the right word). You somehow were in the UK. I came to your house, which was kind of big. We were on the bed like how we were in that hotel in North Point. You suddenly sat on my lap while I was lying and with my blankets. You told me not to say anything and everything was fine. I knew it was about the things between us. We hugged and necked like how we were at your dorm in uni. It felt so comfortable. There was nothing sexual in it. It felt like returning to childhood and you hug and kiss with your cousins (or brother and sister if I had one). No "relationships" and sex partners can replace that. I said sorry. You said something like no need/no problem. Then we went out for a walk. It was in the UK. The sky was grey like in Scotland but it feels like the morning. We walked on the street-on-a-bridge for quite a long time in our pyjamas. So long that I suggested to return along the same way we came. You said ok. Fo the first time I felt dreamy, the way return was so short. I woke right before we entered your house again. I was beside of my girlfriend when I woke. Didn't feel guilty because there was nothing romantic and sexual in the dream. But the happiest dream made me feel so gloomy.最美好的事。

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陳奕迅 - 不要說話

When out with M today. Long time no see, like 1.5 years. She recommended me this song, and I am listening to it all this time I write this blog post. The song was published in 2008. It makes me feel nostalgic. Very nice meeting with M. Had lunch and coffee and walked around in TST. Met her friend she's been mentioning since 2015.

Too bad that I'm too exhausted to continue. Feeling like blogging recently. Let's see will I return tmr night or soon.

0302

尚義之年

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M： 

希望你不會讀到這篇網誌，至少在我們星期六見面前。今天早上在將軍澳學德文，待會三時半要面試，老師推介了在面試地點附近的咖啡店，我得待在這裡兩小時。今天已是second in，那間公司明顯很缺人，我也感覺到他們會聘請我，但我完全不打算當那份工作，只是好奇他們會出怎樣的offer擺了，起初我只是申請他們的freelance。

這篇網誌寫給你，除了因為我已經習慣了這裡的網誌要有一個對象，也因為數分鐘前鄰座有一男一女離開了。從他們的對話，我得知他們曾經是戀人，大概是中學時期的事。男的在附近工作，女的似乎很閒，來找他吃午飯。她不斷在談論各人的感情關係，包括他倆的，全程主要都是她在大聲地說，她予人開朗的感覺，而男的只是間中低聲地回應。這個對話的氣氛，讓我想起我和你。

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 漫長的二十五歲終於結束了，現在回想2022年春夏的日子，感覺像已經過去了兩、三年。這年好像過得混混噩噩，總是不太滿意自己的進度，但稍作回顧，又好像經歷了許多事情，勉強算是有個交代。不論是各方面的工作和知性的旅途上，我都有不錯的新嘗試，可是心裡總有種停滯不前的感覺。

這年過得很迷失，有點「無根」的感覺。一方面，兩位在過去幾年最親近的人，都莫名其妙地散別了。他們不只是我情感上的依靠，還是我進步的泉源。他們都是敏銳、聰明的人，擴闊了我的眼界許多。這年在我身邊的人，都是些需要照顧的人，這也有讓我成長，但總是缺失安全感，不知自己做的是否正確，也令我缺乏衝擊。

另一方面，去年年末認識了維根思坦後，這年認真閱讀了他的傳記。他完全改變了我的心靈，我甚至因為他改變了生活習慣，把房間打掃得整整齊齊的。思想經歷了一次轉向，其中一個轉變，是變得成當一個「聰明人」，不想再當一個勉強自己的「熱血男」。不知為何，我對王尚義和新儒家的憧憬消失了，辦雜誌寫文化文章時的熱血沸騰也消失得無影無蹤了，那是來得多麼突如其來。雖然我認為雜誌的價值仍然存在，我也還很享受這份工作，但我幾乎是被逼地必須重新找一個關懷的出發點、「發力處」。還未確立新的方向，但舊有的新儒家熱情已經不見了。這讓我很迷惘。 

我無法說清楚，舊有價值觀崩潰對我所造成的影響。但其中一樣很具體的，是我決定要出版《得意忘形》了。M，自從2017年跟你分手後寫了一首詩（那首詩跟我和你完全無關），我每年都在說每年就會出版。但我不斷在接近目標的40首詩徘徊，每次幾乎達標，就會發現一些舊作品不滿意，刪去一批。《得意忘形》的計劃似乎一直還未到達完成的狀態。其實，在我決定真的要出版時，書還是距離已完成很遠的，但這次我發現自己真的變了，真的不再在一個人生階段，所以無可奈何也不須作個了斷。幾個月內，我便會完成最後的十首，終於能看見《得意忘形》的成品。 

以前有一位讓我很憧憬的前輩，我不認識他真人，但有看他的網誌。他在33歲時，寫了一篇名為〈Jesus Year〉的網讀，內容大致是33歲是耶穌很神蹟和死亡的一年，是富有意義的一年，因此值得特意寫一次展望。幾年前我就在想，王尚義26歲那年因癌症離世，26歲將會是我的尚義之年。大學畢業前一、兩年時時常想像，那時我會達到怎樣的成就呢？結果，在26歲前，我就經歷了一次轉向，逐漸走出他的影響了！（但很奇怪的，最近我居然重新拿起記載王尚義和唐君毅的書，還在打算為他們寫傳記）。

已經忘記本來真正想寫的，時間也差不多。就這樣吧，M，我們星期六見

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