2016年6月5日 星期日

What am I doing with my life

I bet anyone reading this should know my birth date right?
Fine, it was my birthday yesterday. It was an ordinary day. Had a luxury breakfast with mom. She bought me a biography of Salinger, which cost her nearly $400. Spent the afternoon doing nothing. Read a few pages of the biography, a few page of Samuel Johnson’s The History of Rasselas, Prince of Abissinia, which I don’t really enjoy it at all. And watched Grade A Under A. Nearly watched all of his videos, except for those ‘why I hate someone videos’ because I don’t know those people he was mentioning. Hang out with two friends at night. That’s all I did.
I don’t really care about my birthday. What made me feel bad was that I got a feeling of I should care about my birthday for unknown reasons. I sort of felt guilty. Stupid. In fact, all men do not care about birthdays. My father didn’t remember it was my birthday until today, and of course, I won’t be mad at him. The two friends hanging out with me didn’t say anything like happy birthday, where I prefer they do not, because I will only feel awkward. Only girls would do stupid things like messaging happy birthdays. Impolitely, I replied these messages late and short, and turned out becoming the one who finish the pitifully short conversation (the one who didn’t reply). If anyone of you is reading this, I’m fucking sorry.

I hate my frigidity. But still can’t control the indifference, though. Nah, not feeling like having sex. If I do it, curiosity accounts to it. Not only about sex whatsoever. Every intention of mine is just responsibilities.

If you want to know the truth, except my parents and some friends, there are only two people I really care on earth. For the former ones, I’m ready to devote for them anytime, but they don’t cause me emotions; for the later ones, they simply don’t give a fuck. This is the only thing I could think of that will disappoint me from heart.


Btw, I want to write; but I found that I couldn’t write of any. They are only unwanted fragments. I can only catch a breath by thinking of it.

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